I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
