dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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