i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
