seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
