I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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