why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
