My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
