My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
