I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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