im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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