apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
