can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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