well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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