dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
