I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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