dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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