hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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