i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
