So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
