Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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