Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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