i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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