pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it's great music for shaving your balls
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
