Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
