I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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