Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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