Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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