I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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