Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize