Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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