wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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