guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
