i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
