its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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