Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
