had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize