The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
