I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
