gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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