I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
