Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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