I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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