My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize