I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
