I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
