i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
