I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
