What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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