If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
