Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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