cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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