Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
