I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize