Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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