He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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