When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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