I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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