I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
