Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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