I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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