im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
