I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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