I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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